It’s a little bit crazy how months fly by. I complain every time a day drags and how long it takes for it to get to Friday, my last working day for the week, or pay-day even, right at the end of the month. Then all of a sudden, we’re nearly halfway through the year and I have actually been at my new job for three months. How is that even possible? So now, my new way of appreciating whatever it is I have been through, for however many days the previous month had, I will take time to reflect on myself and my previous decisions and changes made. I am struggling to understand why there are always so many twists and turns almost every single day and why it is so hard to try to control my emotions. I really believed that you can change yourself mentally, even if it’s just a minute amount that it is very possible and you somehow achieve it, going step by step. Don’t really know what else there is to try out there because I have tried it all, well I think so anyway. To start with I began writing myself a note on them sticky note pads for each morning, reminding me to stay the same person and to remain happy. I wrote anything that was on my mind and had to do with pure positivity. It went on and on, months on end, with every different type of method and yet I continued, in fact still now, cry most evenings and get so emotional with everything that goes on and at the end of it all, once I am over whatever happened that day or at that current moment, I am back to being me. Yet I am not being fake at all because I don’t know any other way to act and I feel as if people just want me to say that I only laugh as much as I do, to hide how I am really feeling. It’s like a whole audience waiting for me to admit to something that doesn’t need admitting to. Why do people never accept your positive behaviour, or your passion for love and laughter, or just who you are. People always want a story out of you, or want to be right for the wrong reasons. My personality does tire me because honestly, I don’t know how I keep it up but during the time that I am genuinely grateful for what life has given me and when I am really, really happy, someone feels the need to question it. This whole blog seems like I’m blowing my own trumpet when in fact, it’s far from. All because I am sure of who I am. Everyone should be, whether you do or don’t know what you want from life, you are completely and utterly in control of your emotions, who you are as a person and how you should treat others. I am still learning and hoping I can truly become a better person and love those around me stronger. My main aim in life is to be the most reliable, trustworthy, forgiving, loving person I can be and I promise that I am truly trying. No matter who it may be or the reason(s) behind it, I will always consider others at all times. Maybe one day the people around me who claim they have me in their best interests, will take a minute to think what it is like to be me, as I assure you that I think that way when someone is upset because of me, or I haven’t shown enough appreciation or simply said thank you or I love you enough, We all have our flaws, I have many. Though, I do want the best for everyone in life. The generous, kind-hearted, thoughtful, selfless, loving people I know I admire with all my heart, deserve the most and I am actually the worst at wording things but writing this blog has instantly made me feel better. I made a promise to myself that I would never share any more of my personal life or news about my day or emotions to anyone ever again until I am ready, because they never really care or have the time to just take in whats being said and then carry on conversing for the sake of it because they need to know more, or want a dramatic subject to talk about. I don’t expect people to fall at my feet or give me sympathy over anything, I never have. It’s far from actually. What I would really like, is for someone to listen to me, like really listen to me and not find the need to have an opinion whether its good or bad because that is not always relevant. This was the perfect place to come to and write about what is on my mind at the moment but that doesn’t mean that this is even the right way for anyone, I chose to do it this way since I am usually ever so open sharing everything and anything and more time with the wrong people. So the next step in my life, is to keep myself to myself emotionally and to continue with how life is, no matter what shape or form it may be and to try to keep away from negativity, because thats all I can do to keep my two feet on the ground.
Sighs and doesn’t change facial expression because like it was stated, life will just continue and to add, this helpless never-ending ball of every day emotions will ride along.